This is something that I struggle with quite a bit these days; this feeling of complete and utter emptiness. It's unfulfillment on a primal level.
What's that you ask?
I know what you're thinking; "How could you possibly have these kind of feelings? You have a wife and four children. You run your own business. You're writing books, which is something you've wanted to do for a long time. Why?"
I know, right? (By the way, have I ever told you how much I like these three words put together? "I know, right?" It's cute, it's charming and it holds enough subcontext to be used for many different situations.)
Ever since I went back to school, my home life has flipped completely upside down. I've reverted back to third shift while my family has had to learn to go on pretty much without me. Literally. The most time I spend with my children is during the summer or on extended vacation and I only see my wife on a one on one basis for a couple of hours per week.
I haven't had any friends, in the physical sense, for over a decade. And in case you don't know what that means, let me clarify; everyone I know is on the other side of the computer screen.
I don't go out for a drink. Hell, the most I've had to drink this year was during a weekend I spend with Windmill Inn Products during a competition they were in. No, I wasn't working for them... I was just there spending time with the fam, but there was beer and I was thirsty...
To cut a long story short, and mostly because I don't remember much of that afternoon, there were beers to be had and I had the hell out of them.
I don't go to social gatherings. Simply put, I don't know anyone with the same interests that I have. Those people faded away long ago, and those who haven't and are still in my life only communicate with me through the occasional "like", or the even rarer comment.
Not that I'm overly concerned with this, mind you. I do realize that people have their own lives to live. We all grow up, and at some point, the people you know just aren't as important to you as they used to be. I've accepted that. We all change. I know I have.
If you were to ask me, when I was younger; "Where do you think you'll be in twenty years?" I certainly wouldn't have told you; "On the road to nowhere." I might have romanticized a story about how I would be a successful game tester, writer or some type of vigilante/bounty hunter. Yeah, any of that would have been great. But never would I have guessed that I would still be struggling to break free. Nor would I have guess that I would be surrounded by people who love me, and yet still feel so alone.
The weird thing about any of this is that right now, it's what's best for Us.
There's no other way around it.
My business, while I love working with it and the people that utilize its service, does only well enough in small spurts.
My work for Windmill Inn Products only pays when there's work that needs done, which is sporadic, at best.
My work as a writer is still new and needs time to develop. Shouldn't I call myself an author, you ask? No, not quite yet. You need to sell books successfully before that can happen. You need to have good reviews and most importantly, you need have perfected your own niche in the craft. So no, I'm not quite yet an author, but I hope that in the years to come I am able to say that I am.
No... Two decades ago, I imagined myself in the perfect job, with a happy family and surrounded by friends. Why not, it's one helluva dream, right?
Now, I could put the blame on any number of things.
Myself for starters, for trusting a large portion of my life to those assholes I used to call friends. If I had known how disposable I was to them, things would have turned out a lot differently. Maybe I'd still have friends in the people I knew before them? God knows that I miss them...
But then again, what I learned and went through with them has given me the strength to do a lot of things that I had never believed I could do, either. At that time, leaving that shithole excuse of a town was just a pipedream. And why not? When I was struggling during that final year of highschool to graduate, and my principle pulls me into the office to say; "You're never going to be anything with your life. You're going to amount to nothing," what was I supposed to believe?
But I've even grown from that too. While I went on to graduate with a diploma, even if it was a couple of months later, I went on to travel the states and even the world, while during that time He went on to be arrested for drunk driving and, ultimately, be terminated by the Board of Education. So yeah. Screw you, Baptista.
Okay, well... It hasn't all been glory and fireworks. If you read my first post, you know that I've suffered some too. But I've risen above it to do some pretty wondrous things! I've married someone who is perfect for me and we've created four beautiful children together. I've finally written my first book and am moving into that career path. I own my own business. I went back to school for something that I love and was very good at it. (Still am when I have the time to work on it!)
So why then, do I feel so much damn loneliness?
At first, I thought that it attributed to depression, but that wasn't it. I don't break down for no apparent reason, nor do I have any particular thoughts about anything that I shouldn't be. No, it's not like that at all.
I do cry quite a bit. I am man enough to admit that.
I cry for our situation.
I cry during a particularly moving moment in a TV storyline.
And even during any written story.
It's not always sad tears either... It's the moments between people whom are friends that get me, I guess. I think; "I miss that. I want that."
But alas, it isn't so!
No, not with the way that things are these days.
I work 32 hours/wk as an Associate at Walmart and I sleep an average of 40hrs/week. (That's just a little over five hours/day if you do the math.)
This leaves the rest of my time working on social media in the mornings and my book at night on my days off.
I can't wait until it changes. As much as I enjoy my current PT, I need to do something that will allow me to be more in tune with my family schedule. Maybe even allow me to have time to step out now and then?
I don't know. It doesn't look very likely to happen this year, unless my book(s) or my business suddenly boom into the market.
So am I consigned to continue this dreary and empty lifestyle? I'm afraid it must be. I'm not likely to suddenly stumble across any Geeks like myself who want to hang out. Nor do I believe that someone is suddenly going to say "Hey, you want to have a drink and talk about work?" Not that I'd have the time to that that even if they did.
I Hung My Head. (Yes, that's also a Johnny Cash reference.)
Now don't get all pretentious on me here. I'm not calling out for help. Nor am I looking to suddenly be anyone's best friend out of this. If you read my previous blog post, the whole purpose of this is for me speak out the things that are on my mind. This is a way for you to get to see inside of my head, if but briefly, one post at a time and figure out its inner workings. Oh, and good luck with that. They're so fucking twisted that even I don't know what the hell's going on half the time!
I like to think that this is what allows me to be the the way that I am and tell stories in the manner that I do. To tell you the truth, I cannot wait until I have finished the tale of J.R. so that I have the chance to diversify into other areas with my writing.
I also like to think that I best express myself in writing. I can't count the times that someone has talked to me and the best I can do it sound a bit like a drunken Forest Gump. I know that I have no real social skills, and if I am ever put to the test over a luncheon or friendly dinner with work colleagues, peers or aficionado in the arts that they would most likely look at me funny while thinking; "Who the hell invited THIS guy?"
I know, right?
I admit it. I get flustered. I stumble on my thoughts and lose them in translation. But when I'm writing? I'd like to think that's where I shine.
Well then.
I'm getting to a point where I want to stop now. Looking back, I'm somewhat all over the place. I've thrown it all out there. Oh, and Jimmy crack corn and you know what? I don't care.
Take it with a grain of salt. Take it for what it is.
Truth be told, I feel better for having said (some) of it.
I often wish that I had someone I could talk to, be completely open to and bear all my most secret inner thoughts and workings with. Yes, I have someone that's pretty close to that (my wife) but this works so much better for me. I can get all my thoughts put together thrown out there without having to worry about how I sound, or having any trepidation about the context of what I'm saying. It is what it is.
I told you I walk alone, (but maybe) that's because I prefer to be by myself.
And...End Scene.
No comments:
Post a Comment